


Bad, bad, badfic

by orphan_account



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-16
Updated: 2005-12-16
Packaged: 2017-10-05 00:52:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/35965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what happens when a whole bunch of badfic is posted all at once.  And you read it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad, bad, badfic

"Dammit McKay!" exclaimed John as he leapt out of his chair. "What's with it with you today? This is the third time your body parts have independently tried to feel me up. First your hands find themselves down my pants, then your tongue attempts to check if I've had my tonsils out, now your eyes have dropped into my lap."

"Sorry Major" the scientist replied, scooping his eyes up and putting them back in. "It's just that I'm in love with you and I know you could never love me for I am pathetic and useless."

"Don't be silly!" said the more hirsute man. "Of course I love you!"

"Really?" The scientist's eyes were brimming with tears. (Of course this made them slip out and land on the Air Force Lt Colonel's mouth).

"Dammit!" the thinner man said! "Please stop that!"

"Oh, Johnny darling" said the Canadian, "I can't believe you love me! May I kiss you?"

"Of course you can, Rodney dear" said the man who likes Ferris Wheels, "Just... I don't want to rush into this, I have always dreamt of the day I would be allowed to kiss you and hold you and I want you to be my husband!"

"Oh," swooned the astrophysicist "Of course I'll be your husband. I've spent so many nights crying myself to sleep and writing in my diary (with my pink scented hypo-allergenic glittery pen) about how much I love you and how you'll never be mine for you are too handsome to bother with such a loser as me." The man with multiple PhDs face fell (we pause to pick it back up and put it back on) "You might not want to marry me. Apart from the time I was raped by Ronon and Zelenka and Bates I am a virgin. Well, if you don't count the time I was raped and tortured by the Wraith, the Genii and the Athosian women. Also I was kept as a sex slave by Daniel Jackson and Colonel O'Neill (with 2 L's). But I have never loved and I have saved myself for the man I would marry."

"Of course I still want you, Rodney. Even though I've never been gay before. Atlantis made me gay and it made me gay for you and that thing with Ronon, Mary-Sue, Mary-Sue and Raven meant nothing to me. I have always been yours" The hazel-eyed man paused for breath, and tears welled in his eyes. "I can't stand the thought of you being hurt, you are the most precious thing in the world!"

"No I'm not," the Mensa members mouth turned down. Err, downer. More down. Whatever. "I..." the man who was allergic to lemons' voice broke. (Pause while Zelenka arrives to fix it and then leaves again to make out with Lorne, Parrish and Weir, who are making out next to Beckett and cute Canadian control room boy, who are making out next to Heightmyer and Teyla, who are making out next to Ronon and Hermiod, who are making out next to Cadman and Novak) The head of the science department sighed as he gazed into the eyes of his true love "I'm not worth it. I've so many scars where I tried to kill myself because I knew I wasn't good enough for you."

"Oh, balder man" sighed the man with messy hair (Insert Sheppard hair joke here, belabour the point), "You are the loveliest thing ever. I bet even your ass hairs are lovely. And you aren't even a little bit pudgy either unless you are terribly overweight. Or you might be anorexic or bulimic. Oh wait, that might be me. But I love you more than I love football and more than I love Ferris wheels and more than I love my three ex-wives and more than I love smoking pot! I love you more than flying!"

And Jeannie's brother smiled and took the military commander of Atlantis into his arms and they lived happily ever after. Plus they had lots of sex. And always had simultaneous orgasms.

the end.


End file.
